details

Standard

I was at work this morning, having gotten a mere three hours of sleep, scanning files into pdf and because I didn’t know the words of the song that was on the radio, my brain started drifting away from me.

This happens to me quite often. It’s not funny, in a Scrubs kind of way. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Sometimes it’s frustrating. Sometimes it just makes me sad. But most annoyingly, it makes it challenging to focus on things — most notably this week, sleep.

Sometimes I think about other school work. Sometimes it’s social interactions that I’m not sure were acceptable or not. Sometimes it’s the details.

I have a problem with falling in love with the details of people, and running over them in my head, loving them more and more with each realization of the small things that make that person perfect in their own way.

I remember being in rehearsal last year, saying to my dancers “God is in the details,” trying to get them to, while exhausted and overwhelmed, remember the small things that make a dance beautiful. I couldn’t think of any other way to phrase what I was trying to say, but now it feels like “love is in the details,” or maybe “exquisiteness is in the details.” I’m not sure which is most poignant to my earlier point, but what I’m saying is that I get lost in the details sometimes. And I did this morning.

In my head, for the hour and a half that I was working on this project, I compiled a list of details about people that just give me goosebumps with adoration for them. I thought I’d share a list, by no means exhaustive, of the things I love. (For matters of privacy I won’t use names, just their preferred pronoun)

The way when she laughs when we’re silly together, she bites the tip of her tongue and hiccups a little

The vertical crease in her forehead when she’s looking at me like I’m completely nuts, or completely amazing

When she’s driving with her left leg propped up on the seat, she taps just her toes to the beat of whatever is on the radio

He flips his right hand repetitively when telling stories, and sometimes does it when doing work and is trying to work something out in his head

She sticks her chin out slightly whenever she begins a sentence with “Well…”

She pushes her hips forward slightly and hunches a little when she’s looking at something she loves, like puppies or cheese, that is lower than eye level

She squints her eyes really tightly and leans to her right when she’s laughing so hard she can’t make any noise.

Whenever we hug, she rubs her chin into my shoulder, almost like a puppy that’s trying to get as close as humanly possible

She clicks her tongue whenever she’s going to say something witty or something very sarcastic

When she’s being a smartass and someone doesn’t get that, she purses her lips with the corners of her mouth turned up, then presses her face into her left shoulder to keep from laughing out loud

The way that anytime he hands me a drink that’s in a can, he pops it open with the one hand with which he’s holding the can

What details do you love?

truth.

Standard

“The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.”

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I’ve forgotten how to spell. (and other adventures)

Standard

I’ve forgotten how to spell because my computer/cell phone/mini me robot does it for me. I actually spent a solid three minutes contemplating the spelling of the world “aerial” while working on a presentation today.

It makes people really uncomfortable when they joke about me selling them my first born and I respond me, “I’m never having kids.” Awkward, B, awkward. When your boss asks you to sign a confidentiality waiver and jokes that it’s about selling your first born, don’t ever respond “I’m not having kids.” again. Thanks.

When I order textbooks on Amazon, I usually throw in an inexpensive book from my wish list so that there’s actual joy in my heart when I open that box from Amazon…instead of the sheer terror I feel. (This is the same terror that comes with being handed a semesters syllabus.)

There are a total of 3 human beings who have so far told me that they think my next tat idea is cool. (I haven’t told many people) Other responses have been, “I don’t get it.” and “Why?” followed by “No offense.” A classmate (in grad school, are we colleagues?) spent the better part of ten minutes before class convincing me to get a tat with him this weekend. I’ll keep you posted.

My bed is unmade and this blog entry is no where near complete. I definitely can’t start my homework yet.

While I was sitting at a traffic light with my windows rolled down today, I noticed that I was not sweating profoundly. Fall is coming.

I think that if you haven’t heard the Of Monsters and Men album, you should definitely listen to it. This is a personal opinion, because I’ve been listening to them non-stop and I’m really enjoying it. “Dirty Paws” is especially enjoyable.

I walked into the lab in the dance building today because the Macs have giant screens and it’s easier to open all the things if I use a huge monitor, and I was humming to myself. I didn’t realize that there was another person in there. She finally said hello after about two minutes of my humming.

According to this article, you should (not) date a writer. hmm. I don’t know what he’s getting at, but it’s probably true.

If I were an iPod cord, where would I be?

love, B

investing.

Standard

Post second week of school Saturday, and I’m still alive, though I barely made it to today. I don’t want to talk about school, though. I want to talk about personal investment and how it’s gotten me into worlds of trouble lately. Emotional trouble, I think.

I was driving home last night from celebrating a classmates birthday and the thought occurred to me that I invest a great deal of myself too quickly into the people that come into my life. I struggle with the idea of picking and choosing those who are important, because I want to give my investment to everyone. I want to believe that everyone is important, and I want them to feel that they matter. It can get exhausting. It is getting exhausting. I can’t do that anymore because more often than not, I get let down. I let myself get let down.

(who does that?!)

I’m not saying that people who matter let me down, because that’s completely false. I can always count on my family and my best friends. They don’t ever make me feel exhausted from investing in them because in those healthy relationships there is a sense of give and take. I think that might be what’s missing from a lot of the relationships I work really hard to maintain.

What I’m trying to say is that I need to be more careful in the people I do allow in my life, that I open my heart to, because when the people that I rush into disappear for no reason I’m the one that I have to live with, and I’m the one who has to make sense of it. Right now I’m struggling with making sense of situations like that. Usually, there’s no clear cut answer, because I invest in people too easily.

Perhaps, then, that it my answer: because of what I give, I expect, and because I expect, I’m disappointed. Maybe that doesn’t make sense at all. I’m reminded of something that Gabby Sidibe said in an interview:

I’m the only consistant person in my life, so I better like myself, I really better love myself.

Are we each the only truly consistant person in our own lives? Isn’t that a lot of pressure to put on ourselves? Do I, then, put some of that pressure on other people? And is that unfair of me?

I don’t think that I’m the only consistant person in my life. (how selfish and self obsessed is that?!) I do believe that my family will always be there for me reminding me to like myself when I don’t. I do believe that I’ve got relationships in my life that will last, but I guess that I need to come to terms with investing less in people who don’t care as much as I do.

Here’s a song to enjoy for listening to my ranting about nothing. My brain is filled to the brim with dance things.

 

Love, B