Post second week of school Saturday, and I’m still alive, though I barely made it to today. I don’t want to talk about school, though. I want to talk about personal investment and how it’s gotten me into worlds of trouble lately. Emotional trouble, I think.

I was driving home last night from celebrating a classmates birthday and the thought occurred to me that I invest a great deal of myself too quickly into the people that come into my life. I struggle with the idea of picking and choosing those who are important, because I want to give my investment to everyone. I want to believe that everyone is important, and I want them to feel that they matter. It can get exhausting. It is getting exhausting. I can’t do that anymore because more often than not, I get let down. I let myself get let down.

(who does that?!)

I’m not saying that people who matter let me down, because that’s completely false. I can always count on my family and my best friends. They don’t ever make me feel exhausted from investing in them because in those healthy relationships there is a sense of give and take. I think that might be what’s missing from a lot of the relationships I work really hard to maintain.

What I’m trying to say is that I need to be more careful in the people I do allow in my life, that I open my heart to, because when the people that I rush into disappear for no reason I’m the one that I have to live with, and I’m the one who has to make sense of it. Right now I’m struggling with making sense of situations like that. Usually, there’s no clear cut answer, because I invest in people too easily.

Perhaps, then, that it my answer: because of what I give, I expect, and because I expect, I’m disappointed. Maybe that doesn’t make sense at all. I’m reminded of something that Gabby Sidibe said in an interview:

I’m the only consistant person in my life, so I better like myself, I really better love myself.

Are we each the only truly consistant person in our own lives? Isn’t that a lot of pressure to put on ourselves? Do I, then, put some of that pressure on other people? And is that unfair of me?

I don’t think that I’m the only consistant person in my life. (how selfish and self obsessed is that?!) I do believe that my family will always be there for me reminding me to like myself when I don’t. I do believe that I’ve got relationships in my life that will last, but I guess that I need to come to terms with investing less in people who don’t care as much as I do.

Here’s a song to enjoy for listening to my ranting about nothing. My brain is filled to the brim with dance things.


Love, B


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