Today I went to see the movie Eat, Pray, Love with my mom. I’d been anticipating it since I saw Elizabeth Gilbert speak/read at College and was inspired by what an incredible, courageous woman she is. I finished reading the book again about a week and a half ago and I was desperately awaiting the day we could find a babysitter for a couple hours so we could go see the movie. Since I’m leaving tomorrow we decided to see it today. Also, I resent this film being called a chick-flick.
As the credits opened, I was already in awe. I fell in love with Liz Gilbert through Julia Roberts just as I had when I fell in love with her in the pages of her memoir. She’s beautiful, charismatic, and incredibly human. And the fact that she’s real and carries her faults so gracefully makes me wish I could be more like her. Instead of being ashamed that I have negative qualities, wear them on my sleeve and say Hey World – I have some shit going on right now but that’s JUST FINE. I’m gonna take care of it.
I always talk about this grand wedding that I want to have and I’ve said this on multiple occasions, I’m not sure if I want to be married (and I’ve equated this to my age) but I want to have a wedding – they’re just so fun. And I felt as though that’s what Liz was thinking. Does that mean I’m going to turn out like her? The prospect of marriage scares me enough without wondering if I’m going to leave a marriage because I feel stifled and unhappy. I’m not even married and I’m worrying about feeling stifled and unhappy. What the hell is wrong with me?
Where was I? There are so many qualities in Liz that I wish I had in myself, and then there are a few I do think are similar. I’m driven, I become easily obsessive about things, I’m spiritual. I aspire to be a world traveller, not be so afraid of things and go out and do things. But I’m afraid of failing.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been terrified of marriage. For years I said I wouldn’t mind having companionship but marriage? really? I don’t know about all that. A wedding, sure. No problem. But legal marriage. Uh. Let me get back to you on that. I’m just scared. Growing up marriage wasn’t really portrayed to me as some kind of be all, end all, glorious sunshine and butterflies kind of thing. And it worries me.
So as I watched Liz Gilbert, and even when I read, I wondered, is this going to be me in fifteen years. Am I going to feel like I want to slip quietly out the back door and run and not stop until I get to Greenland?
NO. I’m NOT. I don’t know what I want.
So even now, I have no answers. All I know is that I loved Eat, Pray, Love and I can’t wait to see it again. It was so beautiful.